Today was a very difficult day. My life is chaotic at the best of times, and having to be busy with food and meal planning all the time adds many layers of stress. It's easy to understand why I let myself "go"; my life circumstances barely allow for organized eating, and I'm always grabbing anything edible to still my hunger. The self control to not grab everything convenient I see, is what's going to get me through this.
B"H when I woke up this morning, even though I'm not supposed to weigh myself every day, I couldn't resist weighing myself on the first day. I dropped 1 1/2 pounds already :). Hee hee. Well, just cutting out the bottles of ginger ale I drink a day, did much of it. Last night, I was so hungry around midnight. I had finished all of my allotted food for the day and was not in the mood of chewing more garden vegetables. So I went to sleep hungry. But I knew it was worth it. And that I'd be more prepared today.
Famous last words...
It just so ended up that I did not have the time to eat breakfast before I dropped off Toddler to his last day of playgroup. I could've had a bowl of cheerios or Fiber One - it's on the plan - but I knew that I'd be a lot fuller if I have an omelette and 2 slices of whole wheat bread. So I waited patiently, super hungrily, until I came back from drop off, and made my omelette and toasted my bread. My cleaning lady, who had shown up just before I left to drop off Toddler, suffered a pretty painful burn yesterday at her Wednesday job, so I had to pause my own needs to go look for bandages, tape, gauze, etc. to help her. Finally, finally, at 10:30 I sat down to have my yummy, filling breakfast. I had veggie salad left over from the big salad I had cut for myself at 10 pm last night. This was not good; I need to eat breakfast by around 9:30 a.m. But with Toddler still home, that often proves difficult. Fortunately, Toddler is starting Nursery in a real cheder on a big yellow bus on Monday IY"H, so that will make breakfast easier - no more drop offs!
And then...
I have a standing appointment every Thursday at 11:30, after which I stay on the street to run errands. By the time I was heading home from the errands, it was close to 1:00, and I was ravenous. According to my plan I was supposed to have a snack at 12 and eat lunch before 2:00. I knew that if I would skip my snack I would end up hungry, since I can't make up for the missing snack later. I also knew that if I would sit down to eat a big lunch right then and there, it would be 1;30 by the time I was done, and I hadn't done a stitch of shabbos cooking yet. I also desperately wanted to put up a big pot of vegetable soup so I'd have something filling to eat for lunch or supper on rushed days. So on the way home I stopped in to a cafe and bought a salad without dressing, and a black coffee without sugar or milk, to add the permissible SaladMate Lite dressing and Truvia and skim milk to the coffee. I put that aside to eat later, and chose from the list of permissible snacks, a Grab One energy bar. I was surprised and relieved that it filled me up enough for close to an hour so that I was able to put up the chulent, the fish, and the shabbos lukshen. Energy bars are not my most preferred snack; it only keeps me full for a short time. I love to have a fruit instead, or a coffee with a muffin. But for a rush day like this, it was perfect to fill the gnawing hunger. Had I not been dieting, I'd have grabbed some empty-calorie-laden piece of junk instead.
It was close to 2:00 when I sat down to eat a delicious lunch: 1 slice of whole wheat bread, a can of sardines in water, and my salad with SaladMate Lite dressing. I put Truvia and skim milk in my coffee. Boy was I full. I couldn't even finish the salad; I put the rest aside for supper.
Pretty soon it was 3:00, and that is when my day always goes to pot. I was busy dealing with crisis after crisis, putting out proverbial fires, and just generally getting more stressed out by the moment. My soup was just not coming together; I was peeling and grating and chopping vegetables, while dealing with stressful phone calls and issues. Yoni's Sunday program counselor fell and sprained her arm and her ankle. That means Yoni cannot go to his program on Sunday, which means panic city; I do not have help on Sunday before 2:30 p.m., and I can't manage Yoni and Toddler together on my own. So a mad scramble to figure out alternate options was stressing me out so much that I could hardly concentrate on the food on the stove. Toddler was having meltdowns, Yoni was having tantrums, and Ashley was going through her own stress and personal issues, making it harder for her to focus on her job. In short, the anxiety was building immensely. Finally, Yoni was picked up by his Comm Hab counselor, Yoni calmed down with a bag of pretzels, my soup started bubbling, and I sat down to read Yoni a book while continuing to futilely try to potty train him. By now it was 5;30 pm and I was getting really hungry again. I suddenly remembered that I had not yet had my afternoon snack, and I have to eat every 3 hours for my metabolism to work. I'd have loved to have a fruit, but I had no time to leisurely peel an orange or slice an apple. So I had a bag of Popcorners, and it really hit the spot. It filled me up, got rid of the craving, and I was able to resume cooking.
Until recently, on Thursdays I would go to the corner butcher/take out and buy chicken nuggets and french fries for the kids, and chulent for my husband and myself. But I realized that it was more cost effective to make my own chicken cutlets for the kids, because we ended up buying them for Shabbos because that's what the kids like. So standing on my feet and breading and frying slice after slice, while mayhem swirled all around me and my own hunger increased, was quite challenging. A colander of soup lukshen was cooling in the sink and it took every ounce of self control not to grab a few handfuls and stuff my face with it. Instead I kept noshing from the carrots I had peeled to put in my veggie soup. Soon my oldest son arrived home, followed closely by my husband. Dinner/bath/bedtime continued swirling around me. I desperately wanted to grill a chicken cutlet for myself - unbreaded - but I simply didn't have an available burner on the stove. Finally, the kids' chicken was done, and I had an available gas burner. I sprayed my stovetop grill pan with cooking spray, sprinkled a slice of chicken breast with salt, paprika, and garlic powder, and made myself a nice little grilled chicken. I'm allowed to have half a cup of starch with it, but I had not cooked any starch! My husband went to the take out place to get french fries for the kids, and potato kugel and farfel for Shabbos, so I measured half a cup of farfel to use as my side dish. i know that store-bought food is not the best idea, since I don't know if they used oil or sugar with it, but unprepared times call for unprepared measures. Along with the leftover salad from lunch, it made for a pretty tasty meal. I also washed it down with lots of lemon-flavored seltzer. No ginger ale here!
Well, it's now 11 p.m. and i still have so much work to do, I don't know when I'll see my bed. My vegetable soup is finally done, and what should I say, it's yucky. Without being able to use oil, flour (to make it nice and thick), or any starchy things like potatoes, noodles, soup croutons, it's just burnt water with root vegetables floating around. Ick. But it fills me up, and that's the main.
I can still have my 'leftover fruits' from the day, as well as a 115 calorie snack. I didn't have a single fruit today, but I won't push my luck; I'll have an apple soon, and see if I need another fruit still tonight. Since I already had an energy bar and popcorners today, I'd like to avoid eating yet another packaged snack. Maybe I'll have a few almonds instead; it's one of the permissible snacks, so I assume it's less than 115 calories.
Tomorrow will be another challenging, hectic day. I am taking Toddler to the dentist for the first time. I will have breakfast before I go, but it might be a wait of many hours, and aside from pushing in one snack, I will be very hungry by the time I get back. Normally our Friday lunch is a slice of pizza. What will I do tomorrow, when I walk back into the house, starving, with cranky clamoring kids, and needing to eat a filling but dietetic meal? ack! My husband will bring me a salad in the morning, so I'll split it in 2 so I have enough for lunch. We'll see how tomorrow goes...
I learned one thing today: My life is hectic. It's not slowing down anytime soon. It's always going to be crazy. I'm on the run a lot. I won't always have access to the food I need, or the time to prepare. But it is what it is. I will do the best I can, and if I'm hungry sometimes, so be it. It's my power and my self control to hold back from bingeing or cheating. I CAN DO THIS! B'ezras HaShem.
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